booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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