I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
