Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
