shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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