You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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