We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
