she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
