sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
