on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
