Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
