wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
