I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
