She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
