he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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