It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
