I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
