I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
