Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
