nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
