On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
