what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
