Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
two words: eviction party
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
