My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
