Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
