She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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