Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
