goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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