he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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