I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
