my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
