Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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