i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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