Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
