Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
