they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
