remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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