you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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