Will you blow on my dice?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
