i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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