I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
try to milk me bitch
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