21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
