So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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