Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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