we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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