I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
