The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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