i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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