i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
