dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
