Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
