the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
