wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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